I'm known to walk alone but im alone for a reason



Why do we ask how are one another doing, when we really don't give a damn? We have trained ourselves to say, "I'm okay, How are you?" Knowing 5 minutes ago we were just crying or cussing someone the hell out. I feel like im lying everytime i subconsciously say, "I'm Fine." So why do we all pretend to be fine knowing that were not?

Personally my life is at a stand still as if I'm fighting against the time. I often get in these moods where I want to be alone, NO phone calls or human interaction period. Ashley said they are my i hate the world moods. But its not really that b/c I'm NOT depressed or mad. I cant really explain it. Like Monica said, "Its just one of them days" But i have those days too often. I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. I'm just here wasting space. If something serious happened to me, i dont think it would severely effect anyone. Yeah a couple of people would make R.I.P. shirts but after a week or two life would go on and i would be forgotten (even by my parents) Is that weird? I don't have suicidal thoughts (anymore) but often I feel as if I'm just here wasting space. Is this normal to think/feel this way?

And when it comes to love i wonder if i've done something awful in my past lifetime? Or is love avoiding me? Yes there are people who like me, but i'm not attracted to them physically, or mentally. So why play games and pretend to when i don't? No i'm not searching for LOVE.. maybe i should of said LIKE. I just feel like its {love/like} is hiding from me or maybe i'm the one avoiding love?

Oh and on Saturday aka anti-valentines day. it was just that "He" didnt call me, text me, nothing. so i have officially put all thoughts and feelings about "Free" in a box and buried it deep. Thats that. I plan on never blogging about him or using any reference to him. ughhh dumb nigga. I dont even want to be "coo" its pointless.


REASON 274682383 WHY I HATE FACEBOOK!!!!

I hate when random guys inbox me or facebook chat me like its a dating service. yuck.. your a lame. My friend Teryn said, "I think technology is ruining chivalry. Facebook, Text Messaging, Myspace. No one can really get to know someone now days." So true. Im going to delete my facebook & myspace before i move to Atlanta. Theres no point in having it. I mean honestly I use the excuse of saying its to keep in touch w/ people. But i don't even like the majority of the people on there, so why lie to myself? I'm too lowkey to let everyone know everything thats going on in my life via facebook status and albums. I have a love/hate relationship with Crackbook.

You know how some girls say they are bored in their relationships b/c the guy is too nice and theres nothing to argue with him about? Well i feel like that with life in general. Not that i need a guy to define me. But theres nothing spontaneous and exciting going on. Nothing to really look forward to. And i guess thats why im so bored. I dont even want to shop. Theres no where to wear the clothes. okay i lied. i can always shop lol Well i guess i just feel alone in the world. Guess thats apart of life. Its so easy to talk about the negative then the positive and its something i need to work on.

16 comments:

Dope Fiend said...

babygirl imma give you some tough love.
you're confused. I think you need to figure out why you're not happy, if you say you're not depressed fine, but you ARE unhappy. If its a thing where you need to do something you've never done before to bring back that fire, no hesitation, just do it. ok
Now about men, love n lationships. You are a strong minded and grown woman, i'm glad you recognize tat you dont need a man to define you, but blatantly no one wants to be lonely, and that's what it comes down to. And dont be silly if you werent here you would be missed especially by the parentals. Me and my dad are SO not talking right now but i know i'd miss him in ways if he wasnt here tomorrow, and i know he'd feel the same.

xoxo

☆αmbєr said...

Dopefiend
thanks for the advice. i just get in those moods where i feel like that. like today im perfectly fine. i know im unhappy and lonely its just confusing. i dont think its something i can do but try to occupy my time. im just not in a happy place. thats why im working on moving to a different state. being here alone drains me emotionally.

riva. said...

"Why do we ask how are one another doing, when we really don't give a damn? We have trained ourselves to say, "I'm okay, How are you?" Knowing 5 minutes ago we were just crying or cussing someone the hell out. Why do we all pretend to be fine knowing that were not? "

GREAT begginning. I constantly ask myself the same thing....

Now,
I think we all go through this phase in life. Where we feel as if we are forgotten and even if someone does remember we're here, we withdraw because we don't want to be bothered. At that point we've gotten so used to the solidarity that we avoid all things social. ie. Your Facebook and Myspace aspirations of deletion. When these times come along; you need to forget the world (and by world i mean MEN too) and find SELF. Dive into the things you enjoy and be EXTREMELY selfish for awhile. When you feel as if your soul has recovered; shake off the past and open a new chapter.

I've been here baby girl. Hope it gets better.

-Riv-

☆αmbєr said...

Riva thanks hun... but when u say, "forget the world and find SELF and be EXTREMELY selfish for awhile." im looked at as being exactly that..selfish. That was my new years resolution. To do things for me.. And it damn near ruined a friendship. In a sense i think people expect too much from me. So when i withdrawl and distance myself they automatically think im mad or something when its not the case. Everyday im constantly searching for self. I know i dont fully know who i am. Im on a quest to figure myself out. Im honest enough to say oy. I know it takes time. Im glad someone understands me though. Thanks so much for the advice. I'll get over this hopefully sooner than later.

Amber-Alert said...

i agree we all feel like this from time to time but the only person who can make things happen in ur life is u!!! bring some excitement in there somehow...we all get lonely and even tho i kno i dont want a bfriend i WOULD like someone to chill with at LEAST...hopefully someone will come along soon (for the both of us)...

tris. said...

the best advice ever given.
came from this book called the secret.
you have to believe to receive.
when you believe it will happen for you.
every thing else will fall into place.
when you rid your mind.
soul.
spirit.
wateva.
of doubtful thoughts.
and replace it with sincere belief.
everything you want will just fall into place.
don't ask when or how.
it just will.
that helped me through a severely deep dark depression.
smile gorgeous.
you're blessed with a nice one.

☆αmbєr said...

@ Amber - i agree no one is going to bring excitement in my life if i dont. thanks for understanding

@ PrettyPink - wowza! this is the best advice i've received in a long ass time. "when you rid your mind.soul. spirit.wateva.of doubtful thoughts.and replace it with sincere belief. everything you want will just fall into place."
i appreciate that.

Thanks everyone for the advice. Im feeling better. Like i said previously I get in these moods.. some days are good some are bad. I feel better guys..

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