DAMAGED

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."

So I have had the worse/ best September so far. Yeah its only the 2nd day.. But I’m 10 days closer to my birthday.. And I finally found my ex lover boy. OMG I was sooooooooo in love with him in high school. He claims it was my fault we stopped talking, but I know that was a lie… then again.. Did I realy go to Alabama and act that brand new? I know I was talking to one my of my ex boyfriends too and I all of a sudden I stopped talking to him once I went off to school. Did i really hate Indianapolis that much that I abandoned all that I knew? Did i forget where i came from?
I know I didnt just stop talking to my old lover boy because he so different. He was perfect to me. My perfect male. He is truly candy to the eye and I love his laid back persona. He is a little ruff around the edges but that gives you individuality..right? Anywho my best friend ShaMarla just happened to be in a club in all the way in Louisville, Kentucky (which she doesn’t even go to school in Louisville she goes to school in Frankfort) and just so happened to run into him. She texted me and I eagerly asked her to find him. I haven’t talked to him in about 3 years. We both change our phone numbers all the time and he keeps to himself so it was no way I could get his number any other way. So to make this story short. She found him and he got back in town from Kentucky today and called me. So of course we met up. I was so tense. Its been 3 years all I could do was anxiously ask myself ludicrous questions like, “ Did he get fat? Was he dusty? Could he possibly no longer be my lover boy.” All those questions were knocked at the park when he got out the car looking “Wine Fine“ as Lil Wayne would say! I was on cloud 9. So we started playing catch up and this guy tells me he doesn’t even reside in Indianapolis anymore, he moved. My little heart was crushed. I asked a host of questions in a row before he could come close to answer one of them. “What are you doing here? When are you leaving? Arizona? Who the hell moves to Arizona? OMG What was the point of even seeing you?” He just looked at me. Gave me this devious smile and said calm down. Basically he is here for ONE more day. Yes I repeat ONE. I am so sad. Its very bittersweet. He said he would come back and visit but that’s bull. As much as I keep talking about I need a new male friend and how I hate meeting new guys.. This was perfect timing. Well PRACTICALLY. Sometimes I wonder if I did something immoral, because this has been the most awful year ever for me in every aspect of life. It seems like I can never win no matter what I do. I know I can be a tab bit dramatic sometimes, but this is a big deal. Lol

I was talking to Ashley the other night and we were talking about how neither one us give guys a chance. She mad a great point. We both hate Indiana so bad that no matter the circumstances we will never talk to an Indiana guy just because he is from here. Sounds crazy right? But it is sadly true. I hate meeting guys from here because although Indianapolis isn’t a city -- its not a large on either. You always will know one or two mutual people. And that itself can be a turn off. If your not in school I just automatically think you have hella baggage (kids, crazy ex girlfriends, in trouble with the law) or if your working its usually not a good job. I can think of tons of excuses to not talk to guys here and all I’m doing is setting myself up to be melancholic. I feel like I’m contradicting myself sometimes though. But when you go away to school and everyone is there attempting to pursue their dreams that in itself is attractive in a weird kind of way. Its just funny the way life works. My state of happiness is no where near fulfilled. I hate being all depressed and sad but I have no choice lately. Every time I take one step in progressing I’m knocked back three more. Ugh LIFE!